A new journey

I am so blessed to be able to be home and enjoy the beauty of life around me vs. sitting in an office all day longing for my life. I have been watching my dear friend Meredith for just over a year blog her life. Pictures that inspire me daily and move me to tears each day fill her pages. Her words are poignant and fluent. I want to have a smidge of her pie.

so … today I start something new. A little something done for me and shared with you. You don’t have to love it, or even like it. I am doing this for me. I hope someday that my kids will look back and see that they were, are, and always will be my purpose in life and they inspire me daily.

Let’s get started….

Borrowed Time

The tragedy that unfolded yesterday in CT has me spinning from the inside out. My heart is broken for the parents and families that were recently preoccupied with work and searching for the gifts that their little ones were requesting from Santa. I can not fathom the world they must now face. As I tried to sleep last night with my little one tucked next to me in my bed I was mixed with emotion. I imagine some of these parents won’t sleep for days. As I woke from my slumber it took a moment and then hit me again and I wonder if any of those parents slept. And when they woke they thought they were waking from a nightmare and then within a moment realized this was a reality. My heart and prayers are for healing that I know may never come. 

When I was pregnant with Britni I was having pre-term labor, the DR’s gave me some magnesium sulfate to stop the contractions. At that time I did not know that my family has a history of being allergic to sulfa drugs. I don’t know medically what happened or if anything happened at all, but I do know that a part of me left my body. I was free. I was outside of the hospital. I was floating into the darkness and wonderful freedom of space, weightless and timeless. I could see the world as I slipped away. It was the most wonderful feeling I have ever experienced. There was no pain, no fear, and there was a sense of wholeness as well. Then I had a thought. “Who will take care of the baby?” I remember thinking I wanted to have this euphoric feeling forever, not go back, this was wonderful, but really, who would take care of this baby? Then I woke. Back in the stink of the hospital and the beeps of monitors. I will take care of the baby. 

I realized though at that time, this was not MY baby. The experience, whatever it was, changed my entire way of thinking, knowing. I am never going to be intelligent enough to explain the time differences or the energy that was me during that experience but I get it. I know that we are more ..or less..than we really think we are. The energy that was growing inside of me, was not mine. I was gifted that energy, that life, to care for it and teach it until it returned to the greatness beyond us.

I love Britni, Jeremy, Michael, and Logan with all of my heart and soul. None of them are mine. They are all borrowed. They are gifts from God that were entrusted to me. I have no claim on who they are or who they become. I know that God has a specific job for each of them and the energy that they are. He has the ability to claim them for HIS at any time. With the knowledge I must treat them as borrowed. They belong to God. They are HIS creation, HIS energy, HIS life source. Just like anything that I borrow, I must appreciate that I have been trusted and treat this with care. I must respect and care for them and return them in the best condition I can.This is a very difficult task as I am not the only one who comes in contact with them. I have explained all of this to them. They are with me by choice, my choice to accept the gift that I was given, and God’s choice to entrust me with them. Now, as they grow it is their choice to recognize that they are each an extension of the  energy of God’s great life source and that what they do with their lives impacts the circuit of energy. 

This time of great sorrow among us. The little innocent children that were taken from their families, this tragedy just proves that there is darkness among us. There are too many people who think about “me” and “mine” as if this world belongs to us. Too many people feeling entitled. To many people with hurt feelings or selfish desires that turn into bitterness and disease. There is too much hate. When we are in the dark and we can’t see what is in front of us, we need the light.  LOVE is the light. God is the LIGHT. The energy of light and love is in each of us if we choose to accept and acknowledge. 

I pray that we can turn this tragedy of darkness into a world of compassion and love for our neighbors. Stop fighting about gun control. Stop hating those who you don’t understand. Look beyond your doors and realize NOTHING we have is ours…we are all on borrowed time. Share yourselves, your love, your energy…pray for peace. Show love and mercy.

Hold your children tight. Tell them that you love them. ASK THEM IF THEY ARE HURTING and if they are, LISTEN…HELP THEM. 

Father, I thank you for the gifts you have given me and I plan on returning them to you with all the love and energy that you gave them to me! 

God Answers Prayers

2001 was a very hard year for me. My life and the dynamics of my family changed dramatically. My two kids and I would soon discover what it meant to be total team mates and to depend on each other completely. Britni at the age of 12 became a very great cook with mad skills on the George Forman grill. She took care of Jeremy who was 8 after school and ensured that the house was still standing when I finally dragged myself in the door. My new job at the credit union had some exciting stories for dinner time but long hours that sometimes made me miss dinner and homework and more. Over the course of the next few years Britni became very independent and found rides to swim team, horseback riding, and after school activities. without getting into the really hard stuff, there were nights that I just couldn’t believe that I had made it another day. I recognized my blessings but to be honest, life was very hard and despite the beautiful, loving, children that cuddled with me each night, I was scared for our future and very lonely.
So one night I prayed myself to sleep. I asked. I begged. I thought about the list that Sandra Bulluck made in the movie Practical Magic of all the things she wanted in a husband that would be impossible to have, because if she ever actually fell in love….well….don’t want to have a spoiler so watch the movie…

So, I made my list but with intentions of actually falling in love and living happily ever after. I prayed that God would send me a good man who loved me and my kids. I needed a man who could deal with the drama that was before me with Steve. I asked for a man who could help provide so I wouldn’t have to miss meals so my kids could eat. A man who was strong, sincere, and fun. I prayed for a man who would understand me and not be scared of my O.C.D.’S. I asked for a man who needed me, as much as I needed him. I prayed that my loneliness would end and I would have a lover and a friend, a partner for life.

God answers prayers.

Thank you Father for hearing me, for knowing what I needed and giving me even more than I asked for. Thank you God for answered prayers.

Mike, I love you with all of my heart and I couldn’t be happier. God chose you for me in 1986 but neither of us were ready for what was ahead of us. It took 16 years for both of us to go through some really good times and really bad times to appreciate what each other has to offer. Now, for 10 years we have been doing this together and I can honestly say…

God answers prayers!

I love you Honey

The Importance of Hanukkah

A Christian pastor once said he thinks that Hanukkah is really a critical holiday for Christians, too. He said that if the Jewish Maccabees had not risen up against their oppressors, then secularism and paganism would have controlled the Jewish people. And if it would have controlled the Jewish people, Jesus would not have been able to be born as a Jew, to live a Jewish life, to see the Temple, and have the Bible. Judaism would have been wiped out.

He’s right that Hanukkah is a very important holiday. So many religions try to make us conform to the way they believe we should be living. What we should be wearing, how we should be praying. so many “temples” at war with each other.

When they try to take away my faith I cannot accommodate, I cannot adjust, and I cannot compromise.
The Maccabees drew that line in the sand, and they triumphed. If not for their triumph, Judaism would have been gotten rid of by those authorities, and Jesus the Jew would not have been around 165 years later.
Just as we are to remember that Christmas is the time of Christ’s birth, we choose to celebrate Hanukkah as well and the miracle of lights. Not just the Christmas lights on the tree or the house, but the miracle of the lights, given by God, that are to shine through us. Happy Hanukkah

The Light Within

My six-year-old and I spent last Saturday traveling a bit. We had a long drive and a few errands. I have no T.V. in the car, didn’t let him take a video game. The music was just low enough to hear and was playing Christmas tunes. My little guy is a big thinker. Sometimes he amazes me with the clarity of his thoughts and the wisdom and love in his heart. It all started with him saying “Mom, you know it’s not about the presents, right?” “It’s about us, we are the gift!” “The life that God has given us, that is the gift that we have and that we are supposed to be giving each other, right mom?” I was speechless for a moment. Some people go their whole lives looking to fill the void of their souls with objects, baubles, luxuries, …stuff. They never find happiness because those things don’t fill the empty spots, not for long anyway. Here I have this precious little six-year-old who gets it and it just filled my heart with joy. I said “You are right Honey, God gave us the gift of life and we are all made from God’s energy, His light, so we are all a part of God when we recognize that. We are to share that light with each other, like a puzzle, each of us are a piece of it, and when we (the world) can learn to love each other completely, we will complete the puzzle and the light will be whole again.”
He listened and then asked if Jesus was the first human to get God’s light? I explained that I don’t KNOW everything, I am learning to. I read the bible and study and pray that God teaches me what I am to know and what I am to do with my life. I explained that the bible tells us the story of creation and I proceeded to tell the story. Adam was the first human to receive God’s light, but Jesus is God’s pure light. I can imagine it is a lot for a six-year-old to take in and make sense of but he was asking so I was happy to share.
Yesterday he came home from school and told me that he raised his hand at math center to explain that Adam and Eve were the first humans and that we are all descendants. I was wondering what that had to do with the math center and he informed me that he wanted his teacher to show the class how 1 man + 1 woman can equal billions of people. YIKES…I asked him what she said and he said she just changed the subject.

I love the light within this little guy. He is always on. Always thinking, planning, and searching for his purpose.

Another conversation during that long car ride was about when he becomes a daddy. He said “When I am a dad, I’m going to go to work late each day. I want to see my kids in the morning and make them breakfast, pancakes, or whatever they love” Then he said “WAIT, I’m just going to work now, like Jeremy, and save all my money and when I’m a dad I won’t have to work. I’ll buy a hotel at Ocean City and live there with my kids. We’ll go to the beach every day!” He was quiet for a while and then said “What if I have daughters? There are no toys at Ocean City for girls.” I explained there were but he hasn’t noticed because he has only looked for the boy toys. “Oh, ok. then yes, I will live there and make breakfast and go to the beach every day with my kids.”  I pray his dreams come true. What a lovely thought.

Logan went to bed last night saying how lucky he is to have a Heavenly Father. I am so glad that he can acknowledge and appreciate The Father’s love and that he is building a relationship already. He then said “Jeremy is lucky, he had two heavenly Father’s!”  Logan thinks of Britni and Jeremy’s dad, Steve, every day and somehow during the day he mentions that Steve and Mum (his great-grandmother) are in Heaven and we are to remember them. His love has no boundaries.

When we hang the lights on the house, the tree, when we light the candles, when the fire in the hearth warms us, when we flick the switch to light a darkened room, let us all remember. Take a moment to be filled with The Light. God’s light. The perfect love that ignites and warms us. With the innocence and wide-eyed wonder of a six-year-old, let us remember that God is the gift, WE are the gift, and the light that is in each of us must be shared all year-long.

The Light Within

FISH BALLS?

Logan : “Miss Mary, how do they get the balls off a fish?”

~No wonder he wouldn’t eat his dinner!

Sometimes I walk alone

 

Even in the craziness and hectic rush of everyday life…I often am alone. 

Obsessive little ol me…

I am obsessive. I get too involved mentally, emotionally, and physically into everything that I do. I fall in love and never let go. I am all or nothing. I want things to become the reality of the illusion I have painted in my head and heart. I am a Pisces on the outside, dreaming, loving, creating, smoothing out the wrinkles and a Scorpio on the inside that is hot or cold, black or white, all or nothing, life …or get out of my way because I have plotted your death and I will get away with it, kind of girl.

 
In life and love I have met many people. I see right into people and find something …anything, that I can connect to and I latch on. I have loved, and I have lost. I have never stopped loving. Even in each loss, I love what I have learned. There is a fondness and a desire for that one attachment to stay burning in me always. I need that passion to carry me forward and to help me  stay encouraged with all that I have learned so I can continue to grow. I am thankful for all the people who have come and gone in my life. 

My greatest passion has always been babies and children. The joy of a child’s laughter, raw, without boundaries or conditions. I long for it. It is fuel for my soul. I have tried many venues of occupation but I always come back to the babies, the smiles, the hugs, the laughter, the endorphins..yes, I am a junkie!

I now have a new obsession. In August I bought myself an upgraded camera. The DSLR Nikon D3100 kit. I have no education in photography and  I have no patience for a class but this camera has become my newest obsession. I can’t put it down. I enjoy it. It makes me happy and I want to learn. I want to look through the lens and capture the sights, smells, and ora’s of everything I see. I want others to see what I see, the way I see it. Of course I have mixed the babies and the cameras into a daily orgy of fun and an entire Face-book page dedicated to the parents of the kids. I love it!

I would love to have all the bells and whistles to help me achieve my goal but another one of my obsessive qualities is that I am practical. OK…I’m cheap! I am the girl who buys clothes at the thrift store because I don’t go anywhere worthy of $30 jeans. I am the girl who cuts her own hair for three years before I finally realize I look like a mop and need a groom. I color my own hair, nails, and toes. I have been wearing the same swim suits since the 90’s. I am as cheap as they come. It is hard for me to compromise on my “wants” unless they will pay me back. If I ever have a pet again, it will be one that can produce and income..you know, a chicken or a cow or something. Nothing will eat for free around here.  

So I am having all these ideas of making my camera complete, yet having it pay me back. I did my first photo shoot for a family recently and it was so much fun. I learned a lot about catching the moment. Lighting is tricky and the weather that day was a bit rough. The editing for drippy noses and red cheeks was a bit more than I could do by myself. I had to enlist the knowledge and help of my brilliant daughter Britni for the detailed stuff. Again, I get obsessive…I need to know how to do all of it myself. It needs to stay within my vision…my view, my perspective. 

My obsessions keep me moving…but sometimes they paralyze me. Freeze me in the moment and sometimes, take me backwards. A sound, a smell, a dream can send me obsessively overboard, lost in my own mind. Today I obsessed. I have completed nothing. I got in my head and my heart over a time long ago…and obsessed. I saw a picture and I wanted to be in it…passionatly. 

Tomorrow I must be productive. I need to turn myself off. 

 

Time To Clean

I took a look around today and to my eyes dis-pare,

the grudge and grime left undone was lying everywhere.

I must start cleaning, deep down cleaning, I think that it is time

to scrub away the cobwebs, the dark, dirty, filth and grime.

There are places that my eyes don’t look or I just tend to look away

sight unseen could be “clean” if one looks at things that way.

There are deep down stains from long ago, I think they’ve really set

they’ve left a mess so long ago, they’re forever stains I bet.

Oh, yea, there is some surface stuff, I could easily wipe it clear

and then someday next week, it could easily reappear.

No matter how clean I think I am

there is always scum and grime.

Nothing stays shiny forever

especially in this world of mine.

I need to get supplies and fast and get down on my knees

See, I’m not talking about my house….

I need to clean up ME.

Grateful

We are often given many gifts in life. We don’t always recognize them as such. Just as when we were children and told “Try it, it’s good for you!”; The Father often gives us what we NEED, not what we WANT.

Are you one who turns away from things unknown and uncomfortable or are you the one that stops and thinks “This may be good for me, let me embrace it”?

Remember in order to have a No Thank You Helping, you have to try it first.

REST

Holding on…or letting go?

It is so comfortable to look at things when they are at their best. The tree with the full leaves and beautiful buds, thriving, living, giving promise to another day and a fruitful life. Sometimes things are just drab and dreary. We don’t want to slow down. We don’t want to rest.
God is The Creator. He created all things great and all things small. Everything has a time, a season, a time to be beautiful and sing praise, and a time to be silent and rest. Like this little tree we hold onto the bitter end, fighting His plan, holding on to things that no longer serve purpose. We think our pretty things complete us, but He knows they do not. It is what is on the inside that matters. Sometimes we need to be still. Sometimes we need to be without. Sometimes we need to just let The Creator work his magic and change us.
Today, take inventory of yourself. What have you created for yourself and your world and can you live without it for a season? What has the Father provided you? Can you accept the changes He has for you? Do you trust in Him? He shows us a clear, factual, steadfast, example of His plan every day. He changes the seasons. Yes, there are dark days, plain days, cold and ugly days, but we KNOW that the beautiful days full of color, fragrance, and fruit are soon to come. Hold fast to the truths and plant your roots in the faith. We will bud and bloom in our season.